Missteps

You email someone, and they respond back with the following: "Do not contact me further unless contacted." What do you do? [[Nothing. Do not respond or contact the person further.->Nothing]] [[Email the person stating that you received their request and not respond further.->Received request]] [[Reply back. ->Reply back...]] (set: $one to false) (set: $count to 0)

Boundaries. In this Story, the boundary was set in the first question - "Do not contact me further unless contacted." How well did you honor that boundary throughout this Story? How hard was it to honor that boundary? Did you find yourself wondering where the boundary was in a situation? Did you find yourself wondering if there was a way to reconcile with the person? [[Time to look at your results.->Email Results]]

(set: $two to false) It's been a few months after you received the email from the person asking for no contact. There is an online community forum in which both of you are members. This forum has a combination of work and social discussion threads, in which both of you are active participants. When you are in the forum, you see that the person posted to a public discussion thread already in progress that did not or otherwise require your input. What do you do? [[You do nothing and move onto another discussion.->Email Question three]] [[You reply to the person's post.->Reply1]]

Hello. For the next few minutes, you will be asked a series of questions about what you would do in a particular situation. Answer as truthfully as you can. As you go through this Story, be mindful that what you say you would do sometimes does not match up to what you would actually do in that situation. Read <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0010027712000273">this</a> for more information. [[Content Warning]] Pick your path. [[Email Question one<-You are about to send an email.]] [[Social Intro<-You are heading out to a social gathering.]]

You do not reply to the email. [[Time passes...->Email Question two]]

You write back, saying that you have received the request, and you leave it at that. You receive no reply back. [[Time passes...->Email Question two]]

You write back. What did you say? Take a minute or two to write or type down what you would say. [[After you sent the reply...->No response]] (set: $one to true) (set: $count to 1)

You receive no reply back. [[Time passes...->Email Question two]]

(set: $three to false) Some time later, you and the person are both attending the same conference. You are heading to the main conference lobby to meet with someone, and you see the person in one corner of the lobby, talking to some people. You and the person make eye contact, and the person quickly looks away. The lobby is a large space, and there are not many people in the lobby, beyond a couple of smaller groups of people chatting. The person and their group is next to the entrance of the lobby. What do you do? [[Stand next to the entrance of the lobby and wait.->Stand]] [[Move past the entrance and wait in another part of the lobby, away from the entrance.->Move]]

(set: $two to true) (set: $count to $count+1) You reply after the person's comment. What type of comment was it? [["That reply wasn't directed at that person. I was responding to the discussion as a whole."->No response 2]] [["I did reply directly to the person's comment..."->No response 2]]

[[You receive no reply back from the person. While others might continue the discussion, the person does not participate further.->Email Question three]]

(set: $three to true) (set: $count to $count+1) You stand next to the lobby entrance, right in eyesight of the person and their group. Before your group arrives, the person and their group moves to another part of the lobby. [[Moving on->Email Question four]]

You move on, finding a spot away from the lobby entrance and the group to wait for your group to arrive. [[Moving on->Email Question four]]

(set: $four to false) You are still at the conference. The person presented earlier at the conference, and you saw the presentation. The two of you are walking in opposite directions in a busy hallway. You spot the person. What do you do? [[Cut through the busy hallway to approach the person to comment on their presentation.->Approach]] [[Keep walking.->Email Question five]]

(set: $four to true) (set: $count to $count+1) You cut through the busy hallway, move in front of the person, and start talking to them about their presentation. [[They move quickly away without saying a word.->Email Question five]]

(set: $five to false) You head to an elevator in the conference hall, and when the elevator doors open, you see the person alone in the elevator. They are not exiting the elevator. What do you do? [[Enter the elevator.->Enter]] [[Wait for the next elevator to arrive.->Email Question six]]

(set: $five to true) (set: $count to $count+1) You enter the elevator. The person quickly leaves the elevator before the doors close. [[You are now alone in the elevator->Email Question six]]

(set: $six to false) The conference is over, and you are back home. You reflect on the conference and noticed that the person did not actively interact with you directly. [[You note the observation and move on.->Email Time to reflect]] [[You write to the person.->Write]]

[[It's time to reflect on your actions.->Email Reflection questions]]

(set: $six to true) (set: $count to $count+1) You write to the person. What did you say? Take a minute or two to write or type down what you would say. [[After you sent the message...->No response2]]

[[You receive no reply back.->Email Time to reflect]]

(if: $count is 0)[ You answered the questions in such a way that there were no boundary violations. You understand boundaries and what they mean, at least in hypothetical situations. It's a good first step! [[Let's explore each question deeper.->Email Show Your Work 1]] ] (elseif: $count <= 5)[ Out of the six situations presented to you in this Story, there are $count time(s) where you violated some form of the boundary. Boundaries are hard to figure out at times, and sometimes you slip up. [[Click through->Email Explanations]] to find out which scenarios gave you trouble in determining where the boundary was. ] (else:)[ Out of the six situations presented to you in this Story, you violated boundaries in every one of them. [[We need to talk.->Email Explanations]] ]

(if: $one is true)[ When you received the no contact request, how did you feel? Look back at what you wrote when you replied back. The only reply that would have been acceptable (for some folks, at most) is an acknowledgment the request and leave it at that. But you didn't go that way. You ignored the boundary with your reply. Next time, when presented with a boundary request that you disagree with, step back and find a place to process those thoughts and feelings (journal, another friend, therapist, etc.) away from the person who set that boundary. --- ]\ (if: $two is true)[ Online forums and communities can provide some tricky situations when honoring boundaries. In this instance, you chose to directly interact with the person through replying after them in a discussion thread. Even if you are not directly addressing them, if you consistently join in discussions right when they also participate in after their no contact request, this could be interpreted as shadowing the person's online presence, while others would say this a form of stalking. --- ]\ (if: $three is true)[ The lobby is big enough for you both to be in there without being next to each other, but you chose to stand in front of the person. Why did you choose to do so? Was it to be in a visible place for your group to find you? Or was it to be in a visible place where the person can't avoid seeing you? This can be seen as harassment, if the conference has a Code of Conduct that addresses such behavior. In either case, when faced with being in the same space with a person who has put a no contact boundary with you, some say that the etiquette is for the person who arrived in that space first stays, and the other person does not encroach on the first person. --- ]\ (if: $four is true)[ You changed your direction in the hallway to approach the person. Remember that the person said to not contact them further unless contacted. The person did not ask you directly for feedback, or otherwise directly engaged you for conversation. By going out of your way to talk to them, you violated the boundary. This can also be seen as harassment or stalking behavior, if the conference has a Code of Conduct that addresses such behavior. --- ]\ (if: $five is true)[ You entered the elevator with the person, and the person left as soon as you entered. Think about why that person left in such a hurry. The person that they gave a no contact request to just entered a small enclosed space with them. There is no one else nearby. Chances are you're thinking about your personal safety if you were that person. When faced with being in the same space with a person who has put a no contact boundary with you, some say that the etiquette is for the person who arrived in that space first stays, and the other person does not encroach on the first person. Be aware that entering the elevator can also be seen as harassment or stalking behavior if the conference has a Code of Conduct that addresses such behavior. --- ]\ (if: $six is true)[ It can be sad when you want someone to talk with you or spend time with you when they don't feel the same way about you. You might be tempted to try to change their boundary with you, or chastise them about the boundary they set for you is too strict, or that they shouldn't be setting that boundary in the first place. Did any of that show up in the reply you wrote? If so, you are attempting to change another person's boundary. You do not get to dictate another person's boundary. When presented with a boundary request that you disagree with, step back and find a place to process those thoughts and feelings (journal, another friend, therapist, etc.) away from the person who set that boundary. --- ]\ [[A final word.]]

You might not agree with a boundary set by another person. You might not want to follow the boundary. Nevertheless - ***People are allowed to define their own boundaries. You are responsible in honoring other people's boundaries.*** ###Further resources * <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_boundaries">Obligatory Wikipedia entry</a> * <a href="https://captainawkward.com/tag/boundaries/">Captain Awkward posts tagged "Boundaries"</a href> (Related - <a href="http://plausiblydeniable.com/opinion/gsf.html">Five Geek Social Fallacies</a>) * <a href="https://www.askamanager.org/search-results?q=boundary">Ask a Manager posts about boundaries in a professional setting</a> * <a href="https://www.uky.edu/hr/sites/www.uky.edu.hr/files/wellness/images/Conf14_Boundaries.pdf">How to Create Healthy Boundaries</a> <a href="https://yobj.net/notablog/?p=146">About the Twine</a> [[Play again?->Hello]]

You arrive at a restaurant/bar, where an informal social gathering is taking place that evening. You were invited by a friend, and you meet your friend near the front entrance. You both head back to the back of the venue, where there is a private room set up for the gathering. The room has its own bar, and has various standing tables set up throughout the room, along with some tables and chairs on one side of the room. There are some people in the room - some chatting at the bar, some at the standing tables, and a couple sitting down at a table nearby. People are still arriving, so you and your friend go to the bar and order your drinks of choice. Your friend starts to chat with someone they know at the bar, and you scan the room to look for anyone you might know. You spot another friend at one of the high tables, standing in between two other people. You like this other friend. A lot. You talked to them about dating them a few times, but they turned down the idea each time, preferring to stay friends. Your friend at the bar isn't going to end their chat anytime soon. [[You approach the table->Social Question one]] [[You stay at the bar...->S Staying]] (set: $redflagone to false)

You head over to the table where your other friend and the other people are chatting. Your friend is wearing a nice outfit, and is made up for the evening. What do you say once you get to the table? [[You say hello.->Greet]] [[You compliment them on their appearance.->Appearance]] (set: $one to false) (set: $count to 0)

Your friend goes on... and on... and on... and on... ... and the topic of discussion is not interesting, on top of that. You cut your losses, and [[head over to the table->Social Question one]].

Your friend smiles, and greets you back. They introduce you to the other two people, who are their friends. The friends say their hellos to you, and the four of you make small talk for the next few minutes. [[Time passes...->Social Question two]]

"You look great tonight!" Your friend smiles slightly and shifts slightly on their feet, and the two people next to them follow their lead. Your friend greets you and introduces their friends to you. The friends say their hellos to you, and the four of you make small talk for the next few minutes. [[Time passes...->Social Question two]] (set: $one to true) (set: $count to 1)

The conversation goes on for a while, until one of your friend's friends states that they are going to the bar to get another drink. Soon after they leave for the bar, the other person receives a call on their phone, and has to step out of the room to take it. You and your friend are left alone at the standing table, directly across from each other. [[You continue the conversation thread while the two are away.->Chat]] [[You move closer to your friend...->Close]] (set: $two to false)

You continue to chat with your friend across the table. You learn that they are currently reading up on, of all things, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mecki_Mark_Men">particular Swedish prog rock bands</a>. [[The friends come back to the table.->Chatting away]]

You move how close to your friend? [[A few steps away from them.->Chat]] [[Shoulder to shoulder.->Very close]]

The evening progresses, and the room becomes more crowded and noisy. You've lost track of the other friend who invited you to the gathering. The friend and their friends at the table look around the room and announce that they are leaving the gathering. [[You say your goodbyes, and start looking for your other friend.->Search]]

You move close enough to your friend that your shoulders brush against each other, and the friend takes a step back. You continue the discussion with them, and while you talk, you notice that they are looking over at the bar, at their other friend who is getting their drink. Suddenly, the friend reaches for their phone, and says that they have to take a call. They quickly leave the room, which means you are left at the table alone. [[You stay at the table.->Alone]] [[You follow your friend out of the room.->Shadow]] (set: $two to true) (set: $count to $count + 1) (set: $redflagone to false)

You go off to search for your other friend. After trying to fight your way through the crowds, there is no sign of them. Depending on how worried you are, you might send a text to them, asking if they are still at the gathering. Before you even get to the text, though, someone else you know spots you in the crowd, and starts to talk to you. Time passes, and you finally are able to escape the crowded room. [[The evening is done.->Social Time to Reflect]]

You are at the table alone. The two friends of your friend come back to the table, and ask where the friend is. You said that they needed to step out to take a call. They go out of the room. Moments pass. They do not come back. [[Where's your other friend?->Search]]

A few moments later, you follow your friend outside. It's quiet outside. It's also dark. It's later than you realized. You spot your friend near the entrance, looking out in the distance. The phone is nowhere in sight. [[You go back inside, back to the table.->Alone]] [[You approach your friend.->Confront]] (set: $count to $count + 1) (set: $redflagone to true) (set: $redflagtwo to false)

Boundaries. In this Story, the boundary was set in your past interactions with your friend before the evening regarding the level of relationship they want to have with you. How well did you honor that boundary throughout this Story? How hard was it to honor that boundary? Did you find yourself wondering where the boundary was in a situation? [[Time to look at your results.->Social Results]]

You approach your friend. You catch your friend off-guard, and they are startled by your presence. What do you do? [[You ask if they are ok.->Okay]] [[You ask them about the phone call.->Call]] (set: $count to $count + 1) (set: $redflagtwo to true) (set: $redflagthree to false)

They quickly say everything is fine. [[You leave them be, and go back to the table.->Alone]] [[You ask them about the phone call.->Call]]

You ask about the phone call. They said it was a quick call and that they were taking a breather from the crowded room. [[You leave them be, and go back to the table.->Alone]] [[You offer to stay there with them.->Not alone]]

Your friend says that it's not necessary for you to stay there with them, and that they'll join you inside when they're ready. [[You leave them be, and go back to the table.->Alone]] [[You stay.->Blocked]]

Why did you stay? Take a moment and write down your thoughts. Your friend starts to move, then stops. They ask you to leave them alone. [[You leave them be, and go back to the table.->Alone]] [[You refuse to leave.->Blocked again]] (set: $count to $count + 1) (set: $redflagthree to true) (set: $redflagfour to false)

Why did you refuse? Again, take a moment and write down your thoughts. Your friend turns, and starts walking away. [[You leave them be, and go back to the table.->Alone]] [[You reach out to catch them.->Grab a moment]] (set: $count to $count + 1) (set: $redflagfour to true) (set: $redflagfive to false)

Take a moment. What are you hoping to achieve by catching them? Write down your thoughts. [[Click here when you are ready to move on.->Grab]]

You catch your friend by the upper arm. They pull away from your grip. They say to leave them alone. They start running away. [[You stop and let them run away.->Social Time to Reflect]] [[You run after them.->Chase the moment]] (set: $count to $count + 1) (set: $redflagfive to true) (set: $redflagsix to false)

Why are you running after them? Reflect on the question, and write down your thoughts. [[Click here when you are ready to move on.->Chase]]

What happens after you run after your friend will not be told in this Story. [[Social Time to Reflect<-Click here to continue.]] (set: $count to $count + 1) (set: $redflagsix to true)

(if: $count is 0)[ You answered the questions in such a way that there were no boundary violations. You understand boundaries and what they mean, at least in hypothetical situations. It's a good first step! [[Let's explore each question deeper.->Social Show Your Work 1]] ] (elseif: $count <= 7)[ Out of the eight situations presented to you in this Story, there are $count time(s) where you violated some form of the boundary. Boundaries are hard to figure out at times, and sometimes you slip up. [[Click through->Social Explanations]] to find out which scenarios gave you trouble in determining where the boundary was. ] (else:)[ Out of all the situations presented to you in this Story, you violated boundaries in every one of them. [[We need to talk.->Social Explanations]] ]

(if: $one is true)[ You focused on your friend's looks as your greeting when you walked over to the table. While you might have intended this compliment to be platonic, your friend's reaction - an uneasy smile and shifting of the body - suggested otherwise. Your friend is not interested in a romantic relationship, and focusing on their appearance as the first thing you say can be taken as an unwelcome pass on them. In addition, commenting on physical aspects of someone's body can be seen as unwelcome advances if they are not interested in having a relationship with you. You might see it as flattery, but if your comments are uninvited, then they stand more of a chance of violating a boundary. --- ]\ (if: $two is true)[ You moved toward your friend, which in itself isn't a boundary violation; however, you moved *too* close, making your body touch their body. People's personal spaces differ, depending on the person. In this instance, someone who they told multiple times that they're not interested just forced their body to touch theirs, and that can be interpreted as unwanted intimate attention, and a violation of boundaries. You did not ask for their consent to be touched, either. Obtaining consent ensures that boundaries are maintained, as well as making those boundaries clear to all parties at that time. In some situations, some see un-consented touches or invasions of personal space as a personal safety issue. This should give you a better sense as to one possible reason why your friend left in such a hurry... --- ]\ (if: $redflagone is false)[ (if: $count > 0)[ You might have noticed that there were eight situations where you could have violated boundaries, but you only encountered a fraction of them in your path. If you see this message, this means that you managed to not get yourself into a worse situation. --- ]\ ]\ (if: $redflagone is true)[ If you see this message, this means that you managed to get yourself into a worse situation with regard to boundary violation. Reflect on your actions and the summaries below, and please pay particular attention to the resources at the end page. You went after your friend soon after they quickly left the room to take a call. Your friend said that they were taking a call, so what were you trying to achieve by following them outside? Look at your answer with trust in mind. Your friend said that they were taking a call. You were not invited to come with them, nor did they request you to participate in the call. So, there was no apparent need for you to join your friend outside. Did you really trust your friend was taking a call? If so, chances are that you would have left them alone. --- ]\ (if: $redflagtwo is true)[ You spotted your friend, and approached them. Combined with the rationale as to why you followed them, what were you trying to achieve by approaching them? Perhaps you were concerned that the phone call was not a good one, and wanted to check in. Perhaps you needed to talk to them. Are the reasons centered around your needs, or the friend's? Again, your friend said that they were taking a call, and they did not expect you to follow them. You could have went back inside after spotting them. You made your unexpected, and unwelcomed presence known, to what end? --- ]\ (if: $redflagthree is true)[ You stayed when your friend said that they will rejoin you inside when they are ready. Review your thoughts as to why you stayed. Your friend gave you a boundary. Boundary statements come in different shapes and sizes, and this one was softly delivered, perhaps in hesitation to strongly state the boundary while alone outside with a person who has followed them unexpectedly and won't leave them alone. No matter how you feel, or how concerned you might be for your friend, your friend gave you a boundary, and you did not honor it. --- ]\ (if: $redflagfour is true)[ Your friend stated their boundary again, this time more strongly. Your friend is moving away from you. They are mostly likely afraid. Looking at the thoughts you wrote down for this one, was your objective for refusing to leave to make them afraid? Your intentions are one thing, your actions are another. Refusing to leave after being told multiple times is not only a boundary violation, but also a personal safety issue for the person telling you to leave. Leave means leave. --- ]\ (if: $redflagfive is true)[ You grabbed your friend by the arm, preventing them from leaving you. Look at what you wrote down to justify this action. You grabbed a person who told you to leave them alone, and who was trying to get away from you. At this point, not only you are violating multiple boundaries, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battery_(crime)#United_States">you have committed a crime in some jurisdictions.</a> You are causing your friend physical and emotional harm by your actions. Look again at your justifications. Do they warrant this level of harm? --- ]\ (if: $redflagsix is true)[ You chase your friend after they broke free from your grip. Read the thoughts you wrote down. <a href="http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/">Then read this.</a> <a href="http://www.thehotline.org/help/for-abusive-partners/">And this.</a> --- ]\ [[A final word.]]

#Missteps #####As told in two stories [[Begin->Hello]]

The following stories include the following: Abuse Harassment Stalking Violence The scenarios in this Twine were inspired by true events. [[Back->Hello]]

Not replying back to a no contact request beyond a straightforward acknowledgment is hard to do, particularly when you have strong feelings about the person or the relationship. Did you want to write back? Take some time to note those feelings, and then reflect why you chose not to reply or go beyond the acknowledgment. Please note that for some folks even receiving the acknowledgment might be a violation of the boundary. When in doubt, choose the more conservative route. [[Next.->Email Show Your Work 2]]

Greetings are deceptively simple - one greeting can be seen as acceptable to one person, while another person might find it unprofessional, standoffish, offensive, and so on. You chose to go with the standard "Hello" instead of a more intimate greeting, which might have been received as an unwelcome advance. Nonetheless, the delivery and body language of any greeting will influence the reception of the greeting. Can you think of a time when a greeting made you feel uneasy? Was it the words themselves, the delivery, the body language, or something else that caused the uneasiness? What can you learn from those examples? [[Next.->Social Show Your Work 2]]

Online forums and communities can provide some tricky situations when honoring boundaries, particularly if the community is tightly knit. In this instance, you chose to move your attention elsewhere when you saw the discussion that involved the person. Why did you move on? Why did you think that commenting on the person's post a violation of the no-contact boundary? How did you interpret the no-contact boundaries in this digital space? How would you act if the person posted something that you were interested in discussing? [[Next.->Email Show Your Work 3]]

Physical spaces and boundaries are a bit clearer than in online spaces. In this instance, you decided to move to a different part of the hotel lobby, giving space between you and the person. This falls in line with etiquette pertaining to being in the same space with a person who has a no contact boundary with you - the person who arrived in that space first stays, and the other person does not encroach on the first person. Were you thinking along the same lines? Or was there another reason why you moved? Did you think moving to another part of the lobby was good enough, or were you wondering if you should have left the area? If you wanted to leave the area, why? If you thought that moving to another area was good enough, what reasons would you have to argue for not leaving the area? [[Next.->Email Show Your Work 4]]

Not changing your direction in the hallway to engage with the person is a standard response to the no-contact boundary, even if you had positive things to say about their presentation. Remember that the person said to not contact them further unless contacted. The person did not ask you directly for feedback, or otherwise directly engaged you for conversation. You stayed within the boundary. [[Next.->Email Show Your Work 5]]

You decided not to enter the elevator with the person. Why did you decide to not enter the elevator? Did the etiquette reasoning from the hotel lobby come into play in your reasoning? Did you take time to imagine what the person might feel if you would have entered the elevator? What did that person feel? [[Next.->Email Show Your Work 6]]

It can be sad when you want someone to talk with you or spend time with you when they don't feel the same way about you. You might be tempted to try to change their boundary with you, or chastise them about the boundary they set for you is too strict, or that they shouldn't be setting that boundary in the first place. In this case, you chose not to send a communication to the person. But that doesn't change the way you might think or feel about the boundary. How would you work through those thoughts and feelings? --- [[A final word.]]

Personal spaces differ from person to person. In this instance, you did not move close enough to violate the person's personal space. Have you ever had someone move into your personal space? How did you feel? What did you do about this invasion into your space? In times when you want to touch another person - for example, hugging another person - do you ask for that person's consent first? Why would the other person want you to ask for consent before touching them? --- [[A final word.]]