Alternative Facebook Warning Messages

As of  this afternoon, illness has kept me up for 38 hours straight. I think I’m on my seventh wind now, so I bring to you the Alternative Facebook Warning Messages (that I’ve run across on FB or Twitter or other interweb goodness)!

The original one:

If you don’t know, as of today, Facebook will automatically index all your info on Google, which allows everyone to view it. To change this option, go to Settings –> Privacy Settings –> Search –> then UN-CLICK the box that says ‘Allow indexing’. Facebook kept this one quiet. Copy and paste onto your status for all your friends ASAP

The alternatives:

URGENT FACEBOOK UPDATE: As of today, Facebook staff will be allowed to eat your children and pets. To turn this option off, go to settings, then privacy, then meals. Click the top two boxes to prevent the employees of Facebook from eating your beloved children and pets. Copy this to your status to warn your friends!

ATTENTION: In case you don’t know, as of today, Facebook will automatically start plunging the Earth into the Sun. To change this option, go to Settings: Planetary Settings: Trajectory: then UN-CLICK the box that says “Apocalypse.” Facebook kept this one quiet. Copy and paste onto your status for all to see….

If you don’t know, as of today, Facebook will automatically start replacing human beings with Cylons. To change this option, go to Settings –> Colonial Settings –> So Say We All, then CLICK the box that says ‘frak a toaster.’ Facebook kept this one quiet. Copy and paste onto your status for all to see…

IMPORTANT! PLEASE READ: If you don’t know, as of today, Facebook will automatically fill the skies with bats and drop you into the depths of an ether binge. To change this option, go to Settings –> Las Vegas –> then UN-CLICK the box that says ‘Fear and Loathing.’ Facebook kept this one quiet. Copy and paste onto your status for all to see.

If you don’t know, as of today, Facebook users will irrationally overreact about a change to the settings. Making it sound like Facebook is putting all your information out there for everyone to see, but in reality it’s only indexing already publicly available information. To freak out with everyone else, go to Setti…ngs –> Privacy Settings –> Search –> then UN-CLICK the box that says ‘Allow indexing’.

FACEBOOK UPDATE: Starting today, Facebook will be sending out Stormtroopers to do a search for two stolen droids. To ensure they do not expose your properties, go to Settings -> Jedi Mind Tricks. Check off the box labeled “These are not the droids you are looking for.” Copy this to your status and warn your friends!

If you don’t know, as of today, Facebook will automatically initiate the zombie apocalypse. To change this option, go to Settings –> Living Settings –> Dead/Undead –> then UN-CLICK the box that says “Turn me into a zombie.” Facebook kept this one quiet. Copy and paste onto your status for all to see.

If you don’t know, as of today, Facebook will automatically start setting your underpants on fire when you least expect it. To change this option, goto Settings –> Spontaneous Combustion Settings –>underpants, then UN-CLICK the box that says ‘Underpants”.

If you don’t know, as of today, Facebook will automatically impregnate you, wether you are male or female To change this option, go to Settings –> parasite –> maybe cute, then UN-CLICK the box that says ’18 years of “FUN”.’ Facebook kept this one quiet. Copy and paste onto your status for all to see.

If you’re currently building a Death Star and haven’t heard, as of today, Facebook will automatically allow an thermal exhaust port to remain open. To change this option, go to Settings > Death Star Settings > Thermal Exhaust Port then UN-CLICK the box that says ‘Allow Destruction.’ Facebook kept this one quiet. Please re-tweet for all Imperial work crews.

WARNING! As of today facebook will automatically begin stealing old people from their homes, starting with celebrity old people. To change this option, go to Settings–>Old People Theft Settings and uncheck the boxes for “Steal old people” and “Steal Betty White”. Thank you…for being a friend.

As of January 1st, Facebook will change everybody’s current Doctor to Doctor Who Number 11, played by Matt Smith. If you do not want to this change, go to Settings –> Special Episodes –> Doctor Who then UN-CLICK the box that says ‘Allow Regenerations.’ Facebook kept this one quiet. Copy and paste onto your status for all to see.

And probably the most important one:

URGENT FACEBOOK UPDATE: Facebook has stolen your soul and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. No settings to change. Resistance is futile. Transmission end.

Sadly, I have not found a HPL themed message… yet…